First Time, Last Time, Best Time, Worst Time with Nikki Glaser
My Aunt Lynn was really scared of ants, and I just remember being like, “It’s weird that you’re scared of ants, and you are one.” To me that made sense, but everyone was like “that’s so clever!” I was probably six.
The last time you were turned on in a strange or unusual situation:
When my boyfriend cried. It was the only time I had ever seen him cry, and I got really turned on because he was showing emotions.
The first time you watched porn:
I don’t remember the first time, but I’ve watched porn as long as I can remember. My dad worked for a cable company, and we got free pay-per-view. One weekend my parents left me alone, and I watched it all day long. I was turned on, but I felt so ashamed of it. Like I was a disgusting pervert. But actually, I was awesome.
The last time you watched porn:
One of the porn stars we got to be in our thing where Kyle Kinane and I talk in the porn stars’ ears is Luna Starr, and I follow her on Twitter. So porn is on my feed all the time because of her. It’s great. All of a sudden there’s an asshole right after a fun political joke from one of your friends. It just really humbles you.
The first time you ever did standup:
It was in 2003. I was a freshman at University of Colorado, and I did this talent show thing on campus. I think I did twenty minutes. In my head, I killed! My friend held up my cell phone so my dad could listen. When I got off stage I started crying and I called my dad and told him, “I know what I want to do the rest of my life.”
The best time you had at a strip club:
I went with my boyfriend once in New Orleans and I got groped by an old man. He thought I was a stripper because I was wearing a leopard-print sweater. He was like 90. I was almost flattered.
The last time you went to a sex shop:
I went to a sex shop to take a blowjob class with my mom for the show. But really it wasn’t just for the show, it was also a Father’s Day gift.
The first time you felt like you had made it:
When I passed at the Comedy Cellar, I felt like that was a big moment. Because that was the big boys’ club. That was the adults’ table. It was a big moment for me. I felt like a real comic.
The last time you got hit on by a stranger:
Twitter, all the time. But they just say things like “sit on my face.”
The worst time you ran into an ex:
When he’s going down on me. Just kidding. But I did used to hook up with a lot of exes. Probably at a show I bombed on. That’s always the worst, when you bomb on stage in front your ex. It’s like running into them without makeup on.