Spa Report

Overheard in the Hammam

If you haven't had a visit of your own to know this firsthand, our infamous Turkish Hammam at The Standard Spa, Miami Beach is prime for sound bites. Here are some of the best things you said over a few recent late nights that made us laugh, cringe, and confused.
1) When he said he was a Virgo moon I knew it wouldn’t work. I’m so emotional.
          Go on, find yourself that sensitive water sign who understands.

2) I put my face against the wall in the Ice Room after I get filler to help with the puffiness.
          We’re not entirely sure that’s doctor recommended. 

3) I’m still on the waiting list so I’ve been dating a guy who already has a Membership here.
          Where there’s a will there’s a way.

4) I ended up booking a hotel room after some intense stare downs in here.
          Here for all your last-minute reservation needs!

5) I had to do a double take on the Spa etiquette when I read that tops are optional, and bottoms are required.
          Spa rules, not to be confused with bathhouse rules. That one is located just down the block.

6) He brings a different girl every week like I don’t notice.
          We noticed.

7) I come in the morning with my ring light for my best content.
          Ahem, no ma’am, no photos.

8) What do you think if I rented this out for my wedding? I could walk down the wood hallway like the aisle.
          We’re more the cacao ceremony vibe than wedding ceremony. 

9) If this wasn’t co-ed, I would be in here naked, daily.
          We would be, too.

10) I cried it out listening to Sade with some skin-contact wine in my water bottle.
          Clearly not the aforementioned Virgo moon. Stay hydrated.

11) This is the perfect setting for my O.F. content.
          We’re pretty sure we know what that stands for, but keep it in the boudoir.

12) I was micro-dosing and thought I was on a spaceship.
          Do tell us more! But also—take that trip to space responsibly, people.

13) It’s my go-to for a third date if I haven’t gotten action yet.
          Dating app swipers, beware. 

14) I book massages here so I don’t feel like a bad mom when I tell my kids they can’t come.
          Bringing peace to parents at our adults-only playground.

15) How did I not know this was here? I’m kind of annoyed.
          Well you're here now, so you better sage that negativity away.


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